I’ve only had a handful of moments where I truly felt as if I knew what I was doing with my relationships, with family, friends, or partners. There have been, however, a select few instances that have felt as though they were pulled straight from my deepest reveries. These rare moments, when I have a sense of prescient command over my decisions are by far outnumbered and swept away by the circumstances of my life’s routine.
My lucid dreams act as a sandbox where I can test out different decisions that I might want to perform in real-life situations, without risking any damages. However, no matter what choices I made in these dreams, the results never satisfied me. Leading me to believe that finding a throughline in the convoluted puzzle of life is impossible. Carrying the weight of this melancholic finding as I find myself slowly washed away by the tides of my life. Life becomes grim and dull.
Nevertheless, instead of proactively trying to make decisions that would alter the outcome, being a passenger and letting life take over does not seem too unsettling. When moments in my lucid dreams show up in real life, making the same choices leads to surprising outcomes. It is these precious fragments of sweetness that we try to cling to and that is what makes life meaningful. It does not matter which path one takes, the outcome is never the same and that is what makes us human. Memories.